Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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