you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
