How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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