my phone needs a breathalizer
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Randomize
