Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
