Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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