I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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