Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
did you just send me my own nude
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
