I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
oh god was she eating orange peels again
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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