I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize