if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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