I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
