yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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