i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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