just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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