Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
