i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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