I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
