did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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