Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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