Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
FUCK WHALES
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
