just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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