This is not my ceiling
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
