Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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