Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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