I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
