the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
