Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
