I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize