i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
He felt like a one man threesome
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
your like the ambassador to my penis.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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