The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
