My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
