you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Just pee around me
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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