and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
