i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
