Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
