I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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