i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
