im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
