I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
one two three fourrrrnication!
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
