This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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