my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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