Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
