You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
