You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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