butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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