When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
