so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
