I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
