Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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