is your mom at the bar?
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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