This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize