Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
