There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
