I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
