Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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