I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
