when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
