My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
