I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
