i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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