I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
