Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
