The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
